I am going to warn you right now if you are triggered by suicide please don’t read any further. Simply click out of this post. Thank you 🙂
I am just shook right now. I don’t know how to mentally process all of this so I turn to my blog. I turn to you guys. I turn to writing. I turn to pouring my heart and feelings out onto a page that may or may not ever be read. I honestly don’t care. I have to say this to someone. To a platform.
You know when you have that family friend that has been around so long they’re basically just family? That’s who this was. She was one of my first friends and she used to be someone I really clung to as a child. She would listen to my jabbering and make me laugh. She was grumpy and had a very dry humor that would make me smile. No matter her end, that’s how I remember her. I think most people deserve to be remembered by their best moments only.
One of the reasons I felt like I needed to always be there for her was my grandpa. She helped him when he fell ill. Helped him maintain our farm. Took him places. He was very good friends with her. When he passed away I promised him to take care of my grandma and her always. Always do right by them because he wasn’t around to be there for them.
We lost her to suicide last night. I always thought I would be one of those people who would “see the signs”, who would “stop them”, who would “save the day”. In reality though, suicide is a dreadful thing that often has no signs. I thought she was perfectly fine. I saw no signs. She had no tells. I feel a bit like I’ve failed my grandfather partially. He would’ve never wanted this.
I know it’s not my fault but I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind. This blog is an outlet for me to heal and say the things I need to say. Even if they’re sad. Otherwise, my heads going to keep spinning.
So in other words my heart is very heavy and I was participating in the Book Junkie Trials and I was going to do the Reading Rush. I am bowing out gracefully and I am sorry if this causes any inconveniences for anyone. My heart and emotions need the rest of this month to heal. Love you guys. XOXO Heather